Dear Garden,
Is August your anniversary month? I feel like I remember attending all of your weddings in August somehow...but August has always been a busy wedding month and so I am unsure.
If so, congratulations!!! I'd love to hear the beauties and strengths and toils of your marriages here. Recently I have become quite fascinated in how one can make that transition into marriage. Do you feel that it is a different thing as one gets older? How have you each, individually, been responsible for your own happiness? How do you strive to continue with your own identity as you raise your family and have the labels of wife and mother to your names?
What were some of your biggest misconceptions and funny stories from your early married days? What were some of the biggest rewards and unexpected joys you have discovered from being married. I would love for us to share a dialogue about this.
I feel so different than the person I was at twenty. If I marry I won't change my name, I probably won't have more than three children, if that (I'm gettin' on in years), I would like to still keep working at least part time, and I am keen on having a French nanny! I know, the last one is more of a delusion, but the others I am pretty sure will come true. But I still find myself fascinated by this thing called marriage and by you wonderful girls who continue to prove to me again and again that it just might be worth entering into.
5 comments:
Wow, where to start with all those questions. I too have always been fascinated by marriage, by what it takes for two people to share life together. As experienced as I thought I was, I'll admit that I came into my marriage with a lot of misconceptions. To be honest it's a miracle we made it through our first year. There were so many challenges, some of which included life in bitter cold northern England, no money, no work, no visa, no food to eat, (except for the left over chinese noodles our neighbors left when they moved out. Yes, we shared a kitchen with a chinese couple) and a surprise pregnancy. That's all only a drop in the bucket. One thing I will say is that all of it brought Steven and I closer in a way that wouldn't have been possible otherwise. We grew so much in such a short amount of time. And, with all that life continues to give us, we needed all that growth.
I adore my husband, my children add a depth to my life I'm full of gratitude for, and still I know I have so much to learn.
Marriage. It's still a very fascinating thing to me, mine and other people's. I'll probably continue to analyze it all to my dying day. Something I continue to learn about my own marriage is that things just don't work out very well when I'm being my typical selfish self. The more selfless I try to be, the more in love with Steven I am. Actually, a perfect example of this to me is Ivy's parents. I was so impressed as we traveled through the Loire together, the amount of care and attention they expressed for one another. I still carry that example with me.
Anyway, holy smokes, there's so much to say on the subject. I too would love to hear what other members of the garden have to say on the subject. And, thanks, Wysteria for giving me some thoughts to ponder and questions to consider.
Sure is, 9 years this month. I echo the wows and where to starts from Sunflower.
First though, I love being married. There is this amazing engery that I get from Matt. When I go too long without his affection and happy conversations I feel exausted and draggy. This is so accute when I'm pregnant that I will break down and cry when I'm finally snuggled down in his arms at night. It's what I wait for all day and I feel energy from him revitalizing me.
That said, I really don't think I'd remarry were he to die. Crazy huh? It's because I'm a lousey wife. REally and truely. I'm critical, rash, perfectionist and vindictive. I try try try but if I were married to me I'd have left me long ago. Matt never holds a grudge, let's me tell him everything he's doing wrong and then he admits it and promises to do better. There aren't too many of those running around, in fact, as far as I know, I got the only one. SO, I couldn't bare to be with anyone who couldn't love me after all that and I'd hate to put anyone else through it.
Before I got married, I was sure it was going to be SO HARD. I don't even know why I would go through with something that I thought was going to be so terrible. I think I didn't even realize that I thought that but after I got married, for the first year or so I was dazed at how much I enjoyed it and him.
One thing that I've really found interesting is how often I've thought that I had what I wanted all figured out. Then, I get it and I realize I was all wrong. I'm a very "strong" person. I work hard to get it right and then I'm determined to do that right thing or die. Matt is usually pretty happy to let me be the driving force. That should make me happy right. I call the shots etc. ? No, I never really wanted that even though I thought that I did. I like a strong man. It's very clear why that is optimal.
Let me see if I can explain this clearly because it's a very strange concept. I really believe that there is great Eternal wisdom in the father as the leader in the family and the mother as the nurturer. The leader doesn't have to be the brains behind all that is done. He needs to be respected and he needs to be strong and even headed. The brains, the ideas, the keeping track etc etc can be and usually is the mother/woman but then the leader figure uses his position to execute effectively. Look at George Washington as an example. He was an incredible leading figure. That's all. He played the part, he had the self-discipline and the dress. He didn't have great war strategies or degrees or genius really but he was the optimal leader figure. As I've worked all these years to exert my authority and to make sure that things are done my way. I look back and I realize that I've destroyed my greatest "machinery" if you will. There is such great wisdom that I have yet to understand. I hope that I don't ruine my life or worse yet, my kids lives, before I get it all figured out.
These are SO beautiful!
I gave a shout out to all your husbands on my blog just now!!
Happy Anniversary Tulip and Ivy....
Sunflower, when is yours?
I'm coming...
Hello Beloved Garden,
I guess it's a blessing that I've been off line for a while because I've spent some time thinking about this post. Thanks Wysteria.
First, I think one of the main themes of marriage that has stuck out in the last weeks has been the beauty of Mercy in marriage. I am thankful for a husband who when I am not able, does his best to make up for my lack, whether it's making dinner while I rest, always being a fun-loving dad that plays with his children, taking the girls with him as he bikes so I can catch up on some neglected area of my life, or waking up and cleaning the bathrooms before he goes to work so, I won't have it on my list of to-dos for the day. As I recognize his efforts to lighten my load, it strengthens my love for him. I especially need him a lot these days, as I feel quite tired...as Lucy says, "Making a baby is hard work!" Yes, that's an announcement. :) I'm 13 weeks along, new road this one is.
Some toils and transitions, I can remember quite a few times in our first year or two that we were trying to figure out a balance of US. Having never had a boyfriend who hung out with me all of the time, constantly, I think I was hungry for that. Just enjoying the US time. I couldn't understand why anything but church, work or school could keep us apart. But, over the years I think I have been able learn more about the beautiful balance of time together and apart. Another toil, we had was getting used to being in each others' personal space. My "radar" wasn't accustomed to having someone so close, especially at sleepy times. I couldn't count how many times I wacked him with my elbow or hand!!
I still love spending time with him. We go on a date every week, usually. Some weeknights are busier than others but, if we're home, we're usually hanging out together doing the same thing or working on two things in the same place so we can talk. I love this. I love having our time after the girls are in bed. I know these years are numbered and someday they will stay up later and we won't get as much of that kind of time. I'm enjoying this season now.
I think the ability to be apart helps me maintain my identity. He loves being out and biking, hiking, hunting...I enjoy going up to military base and exercising at the gym, or staying home to work on projects. We both share a passion for the Alaskan harvests, especially salmon and berries. It's fun to have passions that you share together, long or short term. Last winter we both really wanted to get our 3 month food supply and 72 hour kit (In AK it's like a 5 day kit instead) so, we worked hard on it together and we were so effective working together. It was totally fun.
One aspect that was surprising in our marriage is how the struggles we face draw us closer together. Last year was beautiful for our marriage and family, despite the tough times, probably thanks to the tough times, we lived more deliberately and continue to appreciate the beauty of LIFE.
One last thing, my beautiful older sister, unmarried, grows more beautiful in my eyes every time I'm with her. I have see how much she has changed in the last 10 years and it makes me wonder if there aren't great blessings for those who marry later, and my sights are not just on the next 50+ years. Mich has become a babe of a woman. She lives with my aging grandmother and takes care of her, while completing her master's in special education. The other day she made this strawberry bundt cake with whipped cream and my dad told me that grandma said, "I am so happy to have her with me!" The elderly ladies in her ward love her and fuss over her. She is my Esther, living life in a position she didn't plan to hold.
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