Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Mariah is going to . . .


Mariah Wilson got her mission call to . . . . .
PARIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Pretty cool huh?
She's very busy but you can email her at mariahcw@gmail.com
For those of you in Utah or who will be in Utah on December 5th, she will be performing her Senior Recital at 5:30 in the Madsen Recital Hall at the HFAC.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Seasons, Kitchens and other stuff...

Tonight I was driving in the parking lot of the library and I slid on the ice! It's October and it is winter here! We are heading into our third winter and I am ready...or, so I think. :) We had a beautful autumn, unusually longer as said by the "sourdoughs," what can be better than the green pines mixed with the yellow birches all over the place? What could be more beautiful than all of the fall colors among the bushes, hills, and mountains blended together? We hoped for at least one of our sunflowers to bloom but, we will have to try again next year. We even tried cutting it and letting it finish inside but, it was not close enough. Our friend at church gave us one of hers and it is blossoming and has been since Saturday! I love the sunshine it brings to our house! (She had 2 mondo sunflowers near her 1 level home and they were taller than her roof!) I love fall. I think it drives me to cook more than any other season. Today, Lucy and I made a new recipe called "Pumpkin Dessert Squares", love that cake bottom and creamy pumpkin top. I love the spices and ingredients that for some reason, I only really crave as the temperature cools. Why? How about you? Which season inspires you in the kitchen and why?
I have to tell you what happened a few nights ago. During Rob's days off we went up to the base to camp in a primitive cabin, we did this in the summer and decided to venture for a "winter" experience, it was fun. While I was cooking dinner on the coleman stove, I started listening to Susanna and Lucy as they were playing. One part of their conversation went like this,
S: Quick Lucy! It's an emergency! emergency...preparedness!
L: What's that?
S: It's when you see a bear and you hide under the blankets!!! Hurry hide!!!
Today, as we were putting some snow gear in the back of our cars to get ready for winter, Sue picked up on our conversation and asked why we were putting them in there..."I thought you said something about accidents...," she said. We told her about the reasons why it was smart to keep some warm gear and shovel in the back, among other things, just in case. Then, I realized how wearing seat belts is mostly pointless, except in the rear moments. And then, the epiphany hit me as a mother and I realized there is hope for me.., I said, "Wearing seat belts is part of emergency preparedness, Sue." She has been worrying more lately, last night she came in late and stood by the bed and said, "I'm worried." Wow. Just wait little lady! I hope I can help her not stress out too much in these magical years.
Well, I miss conversing with you all. I love checking on your blogs Wysteria and Tulip. Sunflower, I still need to check yours out.
I made Dow Pasta the other day, pasta-cheese-peas. It was a big hit!
xoxoxo

Monday, September 15, 2008

Happy Birthday Wysteria

Happy bithday Wysteria. Have a wonderful time and Congratulations on your gallery. You're so amazing in the way you work toward your goals. Way to go!!!!!!!!!

Friday, August 29, 2008

CONGRATULATIONS!!!!

Ivy. Wow, how brave of you. How exciting for you and your family. This is a huge step. I'm so happy for you that I could cry. Many prayers coming your way.

Saturday, August 2, 2008

Happy Anniversaries!!!!


Dear Garden,

Is August your anniversary month? I feel like I remember attending all of your weddings in August somehow...but August has always been a busy wedding month and so I am unsure.

If so, congratulations!!! I'd love to hear the beauties and strengths and toils of your marriages here. Recently I have become quite fascinated in how one can make that transition into marriage. Do you feel that it is a different thing as one gets older? How have you each, individually, been responsible for your own happiness? How do you strive to continue with your own identity as you raise your family and have the labels of wife and mother to your names?

What were some of your biggest misconceptions and funny stories from your early married days? What were some of the biggest rewards and unexpected joys you have discovered from being married. I would love for us to share a dialogue about this.

I feel so different than the person I was at twenty. If I marry I won't change my name, I probably won't have more than three children, if that (I'm gettin' on in years), I would like to still keep working at least part time, and I am keen on having a French nanny! I know, the last one is more of a delusion, but the others I am pretty sure will come true. But I still find myself fascinated by this thing called marriage and by you wonderful girls who continue to prove to me again and again that it just might be worth entering into.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Tasty Alaska Recipe

Rhubarb Cake

1/2 c. shortening
1 1/2 c. brown sugar
1 egg
1 c. milk
1 1/2 c. rhubarb, chopped 1/2 in. slices
1 t. vanilla
2 c. flour
1 t. baking soda
3/4 t. salt

Cream shortening and brown sugar. Add egg and milk to mix. Stir in rhubarb and vanilla, then add flour, soda and salt (after sifting them together), into the mix.
9x9 pan, 350 degrees, 35-40 min.

topping:(PS I like this cake ALONE, I've never made the topping)
1/4 c. brown sugar
1/4 c. white sugar
1 t. cinnamon
1/2 c. chopped nuts
1 T. butter

combine in a bowl and sprinkle on hot, baked cake.
It is a tasty recipe that my family loves. We have two rhubarb plants on the side of the house and they have had a beating this summer. Hopefully the sun will come out some more for some more growth. (Only 2 days over 70 this summer, ladies!! Forget global warming, I like the words climate change, it ain't warm up here.) Anyway...we have recently been trying ground flax to replace eggs in various recipes like waffles, rolls, cakes and this one works well. Today I made it using a mix of white and whole wheat flour (our Country Living Mill just arrived and Rob set it up on our counter in the garage!! We are millers!!)

Thursday, July 3, 2008

3 Cups of Tea--Book Review


This is a fantastic true story about the life of Greg Mortensen, an ER nurse and mountaineer, who discovered a passion for educating children in the remote mountain villages of Pakistan. Mortensen's fight for funds, his determined nature, his ability to connect with the Balti people make for an easy and interesting read. His emphasis on educating the women of the villages is especially poignant. You see how kind and special these people are, you see that not everyone from the Middle East is a terrorist (obviously, but tell that to airport security). The Balti people have such a desire to educate themselves and improve their lives, but they are stuck in the past too. 

"Once you educate the boys, they tend to levae the villages and go search for work in the cities. But the girls stay home, become leaders in the community, and pass on what they've learned. If you really want to change a culture, to empower women, improve basic hygiene and health care, and fight high rates of infant mortality, the answer is to educate girls."

The book deals with war, prejudice, religious extremism, cultural barriers, and education. So many large and seemingly insurmountable problems, yet Mortensen continues to live by his mantra of taking it all "one cup of tea at a time."


What do you each see as your main role in helping the women of the world prosper?

Friday, June 20, 2008

Frohliche Geburtstag Sunflower!

I don't know if I spelled it right, I was singing the primary song in my head...Italian is pretty straight forward, they don't really do spelling bees there, pretty boring. What a beautiful day to celebrate a birthday, summer solstice. You are truly a Sunflower by all means!

As Wysteria gave some memories about me on my birthday, I would like to share some memories of you--

One of my last memories of you in France would be our train trip to the French Riviera... so many to pick from, the morroccan men yelling "Marseille!" at 2am or so in the morning, falling asleep on the beach before Jake and his mom arrived and getting so burned we swelled up like balloons (I don't think that can be very healthy) our faces were bloated!! noticing how the frenchies were so much more relaxed there, dancing after dinner, driving on the coast to Monaco through Cannes in a convertible!!! Holy moley!! What a birthday!! Those winding coastal roads reminded me of "Suspicion", an Alfed Hitchcock favorite and other movies with shots from the coast roads, eating our baguette and cheese on a Monacoan beach and having the police hand deliver a warning for parking, driving back to the hotel and going to dinner not realizing that we (or rather, I) had left the keys in the car, oh wait did I say car, I meant your family's really nice rented convertible that could've totally been stolen by anyone and been in Torino by the time we noticed they were missing at 11pm!! Wow, what a ride. What a blessing that the trip was not a fiasco. What fun we had!

I am thankful that you got the job taking care of Jake, I didn't know you well at all before that and you having the transportation, opened up so many options for us. Going to Giverny and the town where the Van Gogh brothers are buried. Do you remember the rainstorm in the cemetary? The broken chain in front of the famous church? What fun.

You met us in England, I think you took the chunnel while we took the ferry, thanks for that memory Wysteria :)

I knew I would laugh hard and think deep when I was with you Anna. You are beautiful in every way and I enjoyed getting to know Erin and see how you two compliment each other as siblings.
May this coming year be full for you. I love you so much.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Still Born

 


June 15, 2008. One year later. 2:47pm. My family and I drove up onto the hill where we could look out onto the Cook Inlet, Sleeping Lady and the Native hospital. It was a beautiful day. I am a better person today, thanks to my third child, Angela, born sleeping. In her memory, I include an Angela poem with my post. xoxo

Every Season by Nichole Nordeman

Every evening sky, an invitation
To trace the patterned stars
And early in July, a celebration
For freedom that is ours
And I notice You
In children’s games
In those who watch them from the shade
Every drop of sun is full of fun and wonder
You are summer

And even when the trees have just surrendered
To the harvest time
Forfeiting their leaves in late September
And sending us inside
Still I notice You when change begins
And I am braced for colder winds
I will offer thanks for what has been and was to come
You are autumn

And everything in time and under heaven
Finally falls asleep
Wrapped in blankets white, all creation
Shivers underneath
And still I notice you
When branches crack
And in my breath on frosted glass
Even now in death, You open doors for life to enter
You are winter

And everything that’s new has bravely surfaced
Teaching us to breathe
What was frozen through is newly purposed
Turning all things green
So it is with You
And how You make me new
With every season’s change
And so it will be
As You are re-creating me
Summer, autumn, winter, spring
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Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Archive for Memories

Yellow Tulip:
I remember trying to play the keyboard in church. Between my nerves, that horrible keyboard, no real chairs, and that crazy chorister-wow am I glad that I had that experience. I'm a pro at playing for those dynamic branches who have their own styles. No more nerves for me!

Friday, June 6, 2008

Mamma Mia The Movie 2008

Sunflower....remember that all day ABBA music video fest we watched at Beth and Joe's house? I can't wait for this movie! I saw the musical in NY, but with MERYL singing her talented heart out, and Colin Firth in yet another white shirt (I thought P and P was steamy) and singing and dancing! It's the most fun I'm going to have all summer!

Thursday, June 5, 2008

Bacon cookies?

Read the following blog post and then continue
http://neverbashfulwithbutter.blogspot.com/2007/12/experiments-in-deliciousness-bacon.html

Ok, I struggled to make it through all the description here. I'm with miss "I just threw up in my mouth". It was a hoot, don't get me wrong, I laughed and can have a sense of humour about it but the very idea haunted me. Bacon? Little slices of cruelly treated Wilbers wrested from their mother and raised in a jail. Slices of heart-attack waiting to coat your arteries and raise your blood-pressure? Added to what? Not an innocent salad but a chocolate-chip cookie! It's already a guilty pleasure! YUCKLYBLUCKYGAGGY!

So I kept coming back to this diverting post and saw the lovely zucchini freshly picked sitting on my kitchen island. Now THERE is a food that can go with ANYTHING. From cookies to mushrooms, really, anything is improved with zucchini. Then I had another strange thought. There are people in this world who would be more inclined to agree with the fatty-lady, the bacon-cookie lady than me about the zucchini!!!!!

Woah.

(Just as a side note. Here's another embarassing thought. My peanut butter obsession. While thankfully lacking the cruelty aspect, it's also a sinfully guilty addition to the already indulging foods I add it too. Ice cream, cookies, chocolate bars. . . And then there's the "why eat that if you're going to add that" catagory like apples, pretzels etc. Mmmmm, I'd better go make breakfast.)

Sunday, June 1, 2008

Service

A member of the RS Pres. called me yesterday and asked me to give a service experience. "Sure, no problem." I didn't think twice about it. Then, when I started trying to nail down the experience I struggled so much. All of these acts of service were so sacred, emotional, and plentiful. I knew I would cry through many of them. And then deciding which one to tell seemed impossible.
So as I sat listening to each of the four other sisters cry through their experiences with service as they too tried to nail down just one ...or half a dozen rather I really gained a testimony of so many acts of service. Here's some of it.

1. Never feel embarrassed about serving others. I so often don't b/c I'm afraid of the imperfections or I'm not confident that it will be wanted.
2. Service touches our lives so deeply that I think a lot of who we become rides on giving and recieving.
3. Lynne's advice to me a long time ago is still true. Nobody needs to feel lonely or friendless because there are always people to serve.
4. No matter what your situation is(sunflower, you are also a very good example to me of this)you can find a way to serve. I am embarrassed to admit that I often don't serve because it seems to hard to pile my kids in and out of the car to deliever a meal or whatever but I could do it. Also, it doesn't have to be a meal. Maybe I don't sign up for the meal but I send a card or email or make a phone call.

I feel so much love for people and I'm guilty of neglect. I want to try harder! I'd love to hear about your experiences with service and being served. I'm curious to find out if unwanted service occurs very often to those with open hearts.

Sunday, May 25, 2008

Joyeux Anniversaire Ivy-Lilac!!

Happy Birthday Dear Ivy!!!


One of my fondest memories of you, dear Ivy-Lilac, was our first trip to England. Allow me to quote from my journal....take note that I tended to be overly detailed in my youth.

"We boarded the bus at 9:30, taking one seat from the back. Amber sat by the window, I sat next to her and Emily sat across the aisle from me, next to a man from Algeria. And then tension filled the air as a man, Peter, and a young woman, Jamie, came to the back of the bus and sat on opposite sides of the bench. Emily began a discussion with the Algerian, and soon Peter joined in. Emily suggested playing a game of UNO. Just as the game began, a book came flying at Peter's head, along with a stream of explatives. Peter excused himself from the game and got into a heated conversation with the girl....wow the drama that ensued from Peter from Prague! Crazy.  This is why you travel with someone before you marry them......

We arrived at 5:30 am to empty and dark cobblestone streets of London. I almost expected to hear a horse and carriage traversing across the streets as everything looked so misty and old and just how I have always dreamed it to be. We made our way over to Victoria Station and figured out how to buy the tickets to take us to Lingfield. On the way there we all squeezed into the bathroom to change into our dresses that were wrinkled from being stuffed into our backpacks. My boots wouldn't fit into my bag, so I had to wear them with my dress....the horror, is there a way to travel and still feel pretty? I haven't discovered it yet! All the fashion faux pas that accompany me when I travel!!

We went to the temple that morning and were heartily welcomed by a bunch of rosy-colored folk with British accents who kept calling me "love".  It made me want to do more and more Temple work! There we met an 18 year old lad named Lewis Quinn. He just turned in his mission papers and travels five hours every other weekend to do Temple work all day. He does about three sessions and then helps in the baptistry. He gave us quite a ride to the train station (so we wouldn't have to bother the govena' again with a taxi call! I sat in the "driver's" side and about had a heartattack!

Later that day I watched in awe as Emily Jex sat next to a stranger on the bus and spoke to him about religion. She was so graceful and beautiful, her testimony resonating within her and although I wasn't brave enough to speak out, I sat in my chair, watched her and prayed that this stranger she was talking to would be receptive to the spirit she was sharing with him. At the end of their conversation he asked for a Book of Mormon.

Prayer is what we needed too!! After two rides from Lewis, one ride from a stranger, and a prayer, we got to London. Does that need explaining? Ok: Lewis kindly drove us to the train station, but he forgot to give us Emily's money so we were absolutely stuck with NO pounds. We didn't know what to do besides pray. So we did, we all gathered in prayer and within 10 seconds of saying "Amen" a man was giving us money for the phone, in fact, he was calling for us and then a lady offered to drive us to the Temple! We were so grateful we offered her our last pack of cookies. We caught up with Lewis, got the money, and had him drive us back to the train station!"


I know, it's not as interesting as my current journal entries, too pedantic, but still, so fun to relive those moments. The moment I remember most about you Emily Jex, was you trying to wake me up...singing some such ridiculous song that went something like "Way up in the sky, the little birds fly...." I can hear your voice so clearly, and then feel it as you came and sat on me, pulling me up and out of my little cot!

Happy Birthday! I feel so lucky to have shared so many memorable moments with your calming, powerful, lovely, and faithful self!

Saturday, May 10, 2008

Grand Canyon 2008



We hiked about 40 miles in 5 days, 20 miles in and out. At the turnaround, Rob and I took the day off while our friends took a side hike. It was awesome. The desert was in full bloom, blue skies above beautiful hues of red. We saw quite a few river folk but, along the trail we were alone. We hiked down Tanner Trail to Tanner Rapids, according to the trailhead all are named after a "morman" miner. Then at the river we hiked along the Beamer trail, named after another miner. He lived along the Little Colorado River. The confluence of the Colorado and Little Colorado was our goal. We were hoping for the crystal clear blue waters of the Little Colorado but, at the time we were there, it was running high and muddy. But, it was still beautiful. We arrived at the confluence late and since the Little was muddy, we wanted to filter the water from the Colorado upstream. This meant crossing the Little in the dark. The men tried for about an hour and decided it wasn't worth risking until morning. We had used a lot of water on that second day and it was the only time where we gathered all of our water together and divided it equally between the 7 of us. It was enough to get us through the night. Hopefully we could cross and filter water in the morning. We decided not to use the water for making dinner but, to just drink it instead and eat some lunch food. Even though it was plenty of water to satisfy my thirst, it did feel different and I found myself nervous about drinking all of it since we didn't have a way to get more, yet. Thankfully in the morning, White Daisy's husband was able to filter some and he shared some at breakfast then, we all went across the Little and filtered a lot. It felt good. The Beamer Trail was very narrow at times and with a heavy pack it had me at a point I have never reached, humming hymns to keep from losing it. I remember staring at the trail thinking about each step, and in my peripheral, I could see movement of all of that lies far below us. Can you guess what I was humming? "How Firm a Foundation"!!!
I beat up my heels, knees and shoulders but, they are recovering and I am relishing in the memories of the desert. I love this place. I came here just before I was expecting Angela and I came again now, full circle. It is a healing place.

Sunday, May 4, 2008

The Automobile

I was driving the other day and spotted a minivan much like the Wilson's had in Paris. I had a few memories come to me...driving the Wilson children and tulip to Church out at the conference center, making sure to use the choke button so it didn't die, hitting someone's car in the parking lot there..I think the branch president's car..driving through the narrow streets of Marly Le Roi, driving Abe to the swimming pool to do lessons and having him teach me about the quarters of the moon. P=premier and d=dernier. Cool Abe. It was a happy moment as I rolled down the road in my minivan. xoxo I remember having sweaty knuckles going through L'etoile with Sunflower the first time. Parallel parking her car in Le Vesinet. Roadtripping to Rouen with Jason A. with our box of cereal that I think I gave away to some poor lady on the street...

Friday, May 2, 2008

Judgement and Taking offense, two great evils

You know, whenever I look at the camparison of the single vs married dilema in the church I just can't help but come to the conclusion that Satan plays a big hand there. Why should so much jealousy exist? Why should anyone feel guilty or belittled for doing what the Lord has set out for them to do? I am a believer in teaching the rule and letting the Lord dictate exceptiong-FOR THE MOST PART. BUT! if people insist on being judgemental ON EITHER SIDE it doesn't work very well. There are so many issues like this in the church where there is a doctrine or a "right way" of doing things but yet we as people tend to either get offended or judge others and it brings the need for saying things like "oh but it's ok for this and that and blah blah blah". The whole beauty of personal revelation is that we have it! Wouldn't it be great if we could only use what we see in others to help ourselves, to learn from the good and the bad and not to tear ourselves and others apart?

I love who your are Wysteria in the part of your life that you're in and I know the Lord loves you too. I love the way that you take life by the horns and welcome so much with open arms and I know that's Divine in you. The Lord has blessed you with so much. I see that you have a huge power for good.

Ivy-I love your amazing way of fitting it in and getting it done bag and baggage. Your uncomplaining self inspires me every time I think of you. You see through such Christian eyes and I don't fully understand how to do that yet. WOW!

Sunflower, the Lord can use you every day because you keep your composure under every circumstances. You've come so far since the days we first met you. I feel so much kinship for your earthy peaceful self. I always have since I met you!

I hope I'm not being hypocritical too much because I haven't exactly overcome my "fear of men" or rather fear of their judgement. I just know it's a truth. I know that it's one of the great evil's of the world. MMMm, here's a thought. Are the movers and shakers of the world motivated more often by the good in people or the bad? Comments?

Thursday, May 1, 2008

It's been a while


It must be a busy time of year. I know it is for me. Ivy! How was your trip? We want a report.
Matt and I head out for Boston next week. Have any of you been there?
So here's a little thought for you all in your business.

'And what's a life? The flourishing array
Of the proud summer meadow, which today
Wears her green plush, and is tomorrow hay.'

So to me that can be what it is but also, being hay as lowly as it might seem, is living up to the measure of it's creation. So might we.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

I have arrived!

Well ladies, it is great to be amongst you once again in the garden.  Sorry I'm such a pooper scooper at getting it all together.  I've read all your random thoughts, opinions, insights and precious memories.  What an inspiration it has all been to me.  Hooray for friendships that inspire!  It rather reminds me of when I first walked into the Wilson's front room for our first ever meeting of the Secret Garden.  Do you all remember?  It was a Sunday evening, it was cold out, and I'd just come from my interview with Beth.  I walked into the living room and there you all were.  At that moment I felt such peace and familiarity amongst you, and excitement.  Somehow coming late into our new garden brings back those same feelings.  Here I stand able to see all of you, partake of your thoughts and wisdom, and feel that same sense of peace, familiarity, and excitement as well as a profound appreciation for the history we share and the friendships we've kept.  I'm thrilled at the chance of once again exchanging those precious thoughts and ideas with one another that have long been a blessing to me.  

Monday, April 7, 2008

A Paris Encore!

I just got word that I'll be going to Paris from July 31 to August 4! Put in your orders! Does anyone need adorable baby clothes, shoes, hats? I wish I could bring you all back some yogurt! Does anyone need pictures of something they just didn't quite capture? I know I'll be getting some of Le Vesinet's main square, including the church in the center, I don't have a picture of that, or of my fence. I'm also going to eat some crepes at our old place in Le Vesinet.

I get to go for a conference, they are paying for everything, plane ticket, food et al! I love how this amazing city keeps coming back into my life!

I need to freshen up on my French!

I'll also be in New York from May 8-12....Amber, if you can steel away for an evening I'll treat you to dinner? I know it's hard for you to get in, but I would love to have some city time with you! I could treat you to a museum if you would rather, or a walking tour of Greenwich Village?

We need to all see each other soon.

The flowers are starting to bloom. Happy Spring!

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

It's love-hate thing

Today it rained and of course I had my windows wide open. My shades are always open. It's the first thing I do in the morning after I get dressed. I don't see very many people w/ their windows wide open and I'm told it's not the most socially normal lifestyle. "I mean people could very well be looking at me". My bedroom got a shower since I also had most of my windows open to welcome this randomly placed spring day.
I was thinking-tell me if this is way off-but I was thinking that it's kind of ironic that I don't care if people stare at me as they drive by. I don't care if it makes my neighbors uncomfortable. But yet, I'm scared to death to actually invite people over. I seem to get some turn-downs but not a 100% turn-down rate. It's this thing that I hate about myself. I procrastinate inviting people over because I'm afraid they won't want to come. I'm scared stiff to do it. I would rather they just invited themselves over. I wish they would drop in. I LOVE to have people over but I'm really REALLY scared to invite them. I love my openness, I hate my fears! I feel like I'm the only person in the whole world that has this.

Sunday, March 30, 2008

A memoir to my Grandmother

My Grandmother will soon be celebrating her 90th birthday. I was asked to contribute to a book for her. This is my entry. Since I have been lacking on posts, here is one made with love for her and you too. :)
Grandma is a magical woman. I can’t think of a time when I have not been confident of her love for me. When we were together, upon meeting one of her many acquaintances, old or new, she would politely introduce me by saying something like, “This is my granddaughter; she is my very special birthday present!” She is a magical woman with her care for others. I remember sleeping over and kneeling with her and Grandpa for evening prayers. I can remember being impressed at how in every prayer, they remembered many people by name, including people I didn’t even know. She lovingly and faithfully spoke and prayed for others, even those not in our immediate family circle, this strengthened my assurance of her love for me. She and Grandpa have served us all who make up the ever-growing family, with all of our memories together. I enjoyed playing games at their home, games like Rummy-O (1983 Dutch game of the year J), Othello and Skip-Bo. I also loved looking through at her framed pictures and art, and especially her photo albums. I loved all of them, vacations that she and Grandpa had taken together (like the picture where Grandpa was on both sides of the group photo in front of the capital!!), time spent at the pool, St. George, Vail, Jackson Hole, and on and on. I remember the furniture that she and Grandpa shipped home from Asia and how cool and unique they always were. I admired her travels. I also love how fun she made it to be in her home. She always has had the magical candy dish. Sleepovers always had the official breakfast table setting even when it was cold cereal, with the glass for milk and orange juice. Grandma’s way was always a magically sweet. She was even sweet when she didn’t quite agree with your conduct or way of dress. One time I was wearing a skirt that was a bit too short, she lovingly said, “You better put some sugar on your toes to coax that skirt down.” An important point on modesty had been made but the feelings of the culprit had not been injured. I am thankful for her example of church membership. Many of my first trips to the temple were with Grandma and Grandpa, participating in baptisms for the dead in the Jordan River Temple. I knew temple service was important to both of them. Now, it is important to me. I admire her diligence in keeping records, both her own and by compiling those of her ancestors. I am thankful to have copies of many of those records accessible to me, even in the far northern reaches of the earth! Grandma is magical with her optimism. I have talked about her many times to my acquaintances about her independence and optimism despite her poor eyesight. I hope that I can be like her in my sunset years. Recently she joined us for a picnic. She was tired and I walked with her back to the car to rest. In her loving, magical way she thanked me, praised me and then said, “Oh, I.L., keep smilin’.”
So, is that your secret, Grandma? Is that how you have become so magical in my eyes, by smiling your way through the sun and shade of life?
Well, you have given me the challenge, and I accept.
I will keep smiling, through sun and shade, and hopefully, I will have your same magic in me to push and pull me along.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

All My Imperfections

I have been thinking a lot about my physical imperfections. It seems my whole life has been plagued by extra weight. I think it started with being young, having parents who worked and raised us on fast food. I think it started with being lonely and feeling very neglected as a child because my family definitely didn't fit the LDS standards and it was tough not having my parents raise me. I ate to feed the void. I ate to feed many voids. I also realized, at a young age that I didn't like the attention of guys because of some things that had happened to me in my childhood. I realized that the best way to hide my beauty and to not get that attention (something I still struggle with honestly) was to create a pillow around who I really was. And I did, and it has worked, I have been able to stay out of a lot of relationships because of this.

There are a lot of reasons why I am overweight, yet I have never, not once, openly addressed them. I figure that friends and family should accept me for who I am. And for the most part I do think they do, but there have been many times with friends, families, strangers, and children where I feel that there is something very, very , very wrong with me. There have been many times when looks and judgements from others really, really hurt. There have been many times when parents and siblings and friends have said hurtful things about the way I look. It's been a tough road to walk.

I was skinny once, from about 14-16 I developed an eating disorder. If I could write a book about the transformation that came over people about me!!! My young women leaders praised my beauty and held it up as an example, my parents, my friends they all told me daily about how beautiful I was!!! This idea of physical beauty became an obsession for me. Boys started asking me out in High School and making comments and paying attention to me and wanting to be with me. This experience, first of all, made me hungry. I lost my hair, I messed up my thyroid, I wore away lots of enamel on my teeth, I became a compulsive exerciser and I basically changed one addiction for another. But, more than anything, the eating disorder made me very, very dark. I felt dark and alone and I felt like I didn't deserve to be with any man because I just wasn't a good person. These thoughts were strong all throughout France and the time you guys got to know me, but again, I am very good at acting like I don't care, so I think many people actually do think that I don't care about what I look like, when it's all I have focused on for a long time.

For the first time in my life I am finally starting to feel ok in who I am. This has taken me 30 years. I am actually ok that I am not a size 6. For the first time I am trying to look at myself and see someone healthy. Losing weight isn't my goal right now, it's getting healthy. Because to stay overweight, as neither of you would know, takes a lot of work. You have to eat a lot. You have to be a bit out of control and you have to give into your sugar addictions and other type of compulsions. It truly is a hard place to be. Frankly, I'm tired of being here, but I am also tired of not liking who I am. So, there's the catch 22. That's why my exercising can't just be about getting skinny, because that's what it's always been about and as soon as I lose any weight I get scared of the attention and I put it right back on.

The thing is, I think we all have addictions like this, I just don't think that all others are as obvious. What do you think? Do you girls struggle with something addicting? I was always upset that caffeine addicts, smokers, pornographers, gossipers, and other addicts never had a huge Scarlet Letter so to speak marking their addictions. When the addiction is food, it's obvious and people are hurtful.

I always felt like I missed out on so much in life from being overweight, but it was truly my thoughts putting my limitations on myself. Also, I believe the Lord has taught me so much about empathy and caring and openness and acceptance. I truly don't judge people on their appearance. This is a major feat in American in these days I think. Thirty years of being judged on my appearance or feeling bad about who I am has taught me a lot in dealing with others, loving others, being patient.

Anyway, these are my thoughts this morning, no one has posted for awhile, and I was worried that with my current struggles that you all might not think I want to blog. But I do. This blog is a really good thing for me!

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Any Person May Become Great

Every woman comes into the world with a predisposition to grow along certain lines, and growth is easier for her along those lines than in any other way. This is a wise provision, for it gives endless variety. It is as if a gardener should throw all his bulbs into one basket; to the superficial observer they would look alike, but growth reveals a tremendous difference. So of men and women: they are like the basket of bulbs. One may be a rose and add brightness and color to some dark corner of the world; one may be a lily and teach a lesson of love and purity to every eye that sees; one may be a climbing vine and hide the rugged outlines of some dark rock; one may be a geat oak among whose boughs the birds shall nest and sing, and beneath whose shade the flocks shall rest at noon, but every one will be something worth while, something rare, something perfect.

There are undreamed of possibilities in the common lives all around us.


And this season of spring, Easter, remembrance, gratitude, faith, hope, and charity is the time to be reminded that we each are becoming great in our own right.

I love you girls, Happy Easter!

Monday, March 17, 2008

Week of Easter

Happy St. Patty's Day girls!
I just wanted to remind you all that this is the week before Easter. Have you read/Do you have the Easter book made by Lynne's sister? It's fantastic with loads of ideas for each day starting with Palm Sunday. We haven't gotten started but I'm tossing the school books mostly out the window this week so we can really focus on Easter week. After our green lucky charm breakfast we're going to read about Palm SUnday and make palm branches, go on a walk and find Easter items and make a wall to appreciate family memebers. Then tonight for FHE we'll focus on the cleansing of the Temple and activities that go along with that. I'm going to try and take pictures and put them on my blog!
It's a great opportunity for your first housewarming party D'Arcy, you could have a Sedar on Thursday night! I am working to kindle sentiments of 'I Stand all Amazed at the Love Jesus Offers Me'. It's my next step. I feel that having Charity for others starts with our passion for the Christ and His sacrifice. That is my focus this week before Easter. Maybe in doing this, my children will also grow in their love for their Savior.
Happy EASTER!!!(week)

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Lovely beyond any singing of it

In spending the last few weeks reading Cry, the Beloved Country, I have been amazed at the wealth of pain, redemption, charity, and sad irony that has been present. If you don’t know the story, allow me to share with you the basis, and forgive the length of this entry.

A priest, Kumalo, from a small village receives word that his sister is sick. He is also concerned about his brother and his son. These three people have all left the small, peaceful village to live in the big, bustling, harsh city of Johannesburg, South Africa. The priest decides he must go to his sister and he must find his son. His wife, fearful that maybe he too will not return, gives the money she had been saving to buy him a new clergy collar and robe. He takes the money he has been saving to buy her a real stove and with the combined funds, he travels to the unknown.

In a nutshell he learns that his sister has become a prostitute, his brother has become a corrupt businessman, and his son has impregnated a girl without marrying her and has been arrested for killing a white man. He is devastated.

The white man who has been killed happens to be the son of a rich farmer in Kumalo’s small village, a man who has been kind and good and honest and fair to the blacks during apartheid. It is now up to Kumalo to take his sister’s son and raise him, to take the young girl who will have his grandchild and provide for her, to watch his son hang and die, and to go and tell the white man that his son is the reason for all of his grief.

The white man who was murdered, ironically, was fighting for a free Africa, fighting a battle for justice and equality. The final words he wrote in a letter are as follows:

“What we did when we came to South Africa was permissible.

It was permissible to use unskilled men for unskilled work.

It was permissible to develop any resources if the labour is forthcoming.

It was permissible when we discovered gold to bring labour to the mines.

It was permissible to leave native education to hose who wanted to develop it.

It was permissible to allow the destruction of a tribal system that impeded the growth of the country.

It was permissible to believe that its destruction was inevitable.

But it is not permissible to watch its destruction, and to replace it by nothing, or by so little, that a whole people deteriorates, physically and morally.

We are caught in the toils of our own selfishness.

No one wishes to make the problem seem smaller than it is. No one wishes to make the solution seem easy. No one wishes to make light of the fears that beset us. But whether we be fearful or no, we shall never, because we are Christian people, be able to evade the moral issues.

It is time---”

He never got to finish the last sentence.

This book has hit me as very allegorical to the preexistence, our life here as a test, and the paths we choose while here. We know the problems are not small, the solutions are not easy, the fear can be great, but we cannot evade the moral issues. We cannot make excuses for what we do. We cannot justify sin. We cannot live under the toils of our own selfishness. Man people will fail to live the standards that they should be living while in their metaphorical Johannesburgs. And for that, one person may be called on to raise his sister’s son, to provide for his son’s wife and child, to share the burden of sins committed by his loved ones against the good and innocent. One person will be called on to do many things. And then they will get to return to the small, peaceful village that Alan Paton described, “There is a lovely road that runs for Ixopo into the hills. These hilss are grass-covered and rolling, and they are lovely beyond any singing of it.”

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

Benefits

I exercised again this morning. That makes the 3rd, or 4th time in the last week. For me that says progress towards becoming a happy, self-confident, active human being again. The apathy is beginning to wear off. The story? Well, it came on slowly for a while. Then Christmas and lots of pressure. Then with the HUGE financial hit we took over Christmas and New Years, I went into an apathetic fit. I didn't care what I looked like, I didn't care about my duties to the church etc. . . The crisis was Matt's new calling and my new shackles. It was time for a decision. Do I continue giving up or do I accept the lot I've been given. I accepted slowly. I made the decision not to let Satan have me and though I'm not perfect in it(give me a new ear and sometimes I can't help a sigh or two) I'm good. I'm fighting again. Fighting for tighter muscles, fighting for new knowledge and progress with my house. It really is a fight, an uphill battle at that. My next move. Invite people over and try to have friends. I got released from my calling and will be put in as RS chorister, not exactly full of accolades but I took it better than I thought I would. Sunday will be tearful and I HATE that. I won't go into anymore details, but I want to say thank you. Thank you for sharing your personal struggles and also for staying strong, we can be a crowd all together and not feel as alone as we might. Thank you Wysteria for asking questions. Thank you IL for sharing your empty re beginning. I'm so glad that we're all going uphill though. No matter how steep it is for each of us, or how slow our pace, isn't it great that we're all going back uphill?

Monday, March 3, 2008

I Proclaim A Date!

I proclaim a date!! A time online to look at pictures, reminisce, laugh, ....etc, etc. Lest we forget.... It will be fun!
Amber is available after 7:30pm or 8pm Eastern Time (That's 6:30pm UT time and 4:30pm AK time)
Would everyone please check Tuesday and Thursday nights and comment on when you would be available?

Thanks!!

Saturday, March 1, 2008

To Magical Women--I love Mrs Sowerby

As it is Mother's Day tomorrow, I am posting this since I wrote it a few months ago.
I am including a quote from Sheri Dew from one of my favorite talks:

Every one of us has an overarching obligation to model righteous womanhood because our youth may not see it anywhere else. Every sister in Relief Society, which is the most significant community of women on this side of the veil, is responsible to help our young women make a joyful transition into Relief Society. This means our friendship with them must begin long before they turn 18. Every one of us can mother someone—beginning, of course, with the children in our own families but extending far beyond. Every one of us can show by word and by deed that the work of women in the Lord’s kingdom is magnificent and holy. I repeat: We are all mothers in Israel, and our calling is to love and help lead the rising generation through the dangerous streets of mortality.

I love the character of Mrs. Susan Sowerby. In reading the final pages of the Secret Garden, as this character made her appearance in the garden so many thoughts were brought together in her. From the jumprope given shortly after Mary's arrival at Misselthwaite to the moments just before the sweet ending, Burnett creates a character who possesses a great number of nourishing and magical qualities that I should like to perfect. I think the part of her that I most admire is that aspect which persuades all three children in the garden to adore her, by her very nature. In many ways I consider myself more childlike than adultlike but, in other ways I am the contrary. I love the muppets, both the musical and the theatrical talents of Jim Henson. I share a love for them with my children, that has come very naturally for all of us. I love discovering life in general with them and finding ways to explain a true principle in a simple way that is true but in a way they can understand. (For example, Susanna once asked about how water is in the sky and on the earth. I was at the kitchen sink and I grabbed a washcloth and showed her how the washcloth (like a cloud) picks up water from the bowl (like a lake or body of water) and then can't hold on to it anymore and it squeezes it out.) I have a difficult time playing with my children at certain games, where my husband excels. I enjoy cooking and drawing with my children but, I almost have to force myself to put myself in their pretend world and not get distracted. Pretend is more likely to hold my attention if there are definitive pretend objectives. I feel bad that I have to impose some aspect in order to hold my attention, instead of just sitting and allowing myself to be encircled in their little world, to see what they are thinking and how they create the world around them when I am not adding my ideas.

Thursday, February 28, 2008

Memory Post

I love your memory Wysteria! Thank you! Will you share how we can contribute to that spot without deleting yours? Is there a way that they can be archived like our posts?

Thanks for setting that up! I.L.

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Ladies and Gentlemen

I met a young man the other day who comes from a family with several boys who, from my perspective, are true gentlemen. I never want to be a fly on the wall so much as when I see young men are character like this. I want to know what the other aspects of their life are like. I want to know how their parents have done this. The Wilson kids are so charismatic and congenial and much more. This young man took in another aspect of a cultured being in his refinement. His dad is Tongan and a sports announcer and his mother is Polynesian but I don't know much about her. I know that I lack the self-control and restraint of a true lady and I know there's more. There are some things that I don't necessarily want to change too.
I would like to know what your idea of what makes a person a lady or gentleman. What you think one would need to do to encourage that and also how much you value it.
I guess I think a bit of good ol' Mr. Darcy and his list but ...
Let me know.

Sunday, February 24, 2008

I proclaim

I would love to have a little spot of earth to reminisce...any chance of that? I don't know enough about the blogging to envision it but, could there be a memory of the week on the side like Tulip has a photo of the week on her blog? Just curious. I just about fell of my chair remembering a memory the other day and I would love to fall off my seat some more.

Mucho amor, I.L.

Saturday, February 23, 2008

Addition to your profile Ivy-lilac

Ivy-lilac. I'm really feeling as though 'friend' would be an important addition to your profile list.

Is it possible that this can all come together in one great truth?

I have a collection of things that I know in my head but that seem so far away from my grasp that I'm not sure if it matters that I know. Visually, it's like a tree in the distance (Trying to stay w/ (Ivy's garden analogies) that I'd like to get to but there's no path and too many obstacles...actually, it's even more obtuse than that (Hopefully I'm using that word correctly but I know Wysteria is fond of it), it's more like a tree in a dream that I know exists but where it is???

I believe is a truth is that the Lord instructs us to do things that to us make absolutely no sense in answering our prayers and hearts desires, but somehow lead us to them. Sometimes it's a matter of if you do it you will be blessed, and sometimes the Lord just sees fit to teach in a backwards way(like by making the life you thought was unbearable seem breezily simple by giving you a much larger obstacle to surmount). Other times the goal doesn't seem to be down that path but only because of short sightedness.
These experiences strengthen my faith. There are many things in the church that I just don't understand. But oft times I'm quite an Israelite at heart. I complain about the manna because I think it's rotten that I have to go through the wilderness. I don't often look at the brass serpent because it's too easy. I'd rather have fun dancing around the calf I was told not to build because it was awfully lonely with everybody just working hard.
Yes, just add that to my name, Yellow Israelite Tulip.

Lynne said once referring to Cathy Carter's troubled mind about not having any friends, "I just don't understand that. There are always people to be served and thus there are always friends"(paraphrased). So, that's certainly true, no? Why then are we all so lonely? Do you think that we in our own ways bring it upon ourselves? I was trying to think how to help you understand about being lonely without bringing my husband into it. No one person could meet all of my needs. So when I depend on one person and am disappointed it's an especially painful kind of lonely. Granted, there are lots and lots of needs that are met, but I just can't seem to balance it all out, YET. So basically, when I'm involved in my own SELF, I'm going to be lonely because all I'm thinking about is how I'm not getting everything that I need. But, when I'm feeling Charity as Ivy was saying, maybe I will find my needs met somehow. Giving what seems the impossible will be getting even more in return.
I believe that is a truth. I haven't figured out exactly how I can do it. I will tell you that I am selfish enough to wonder if I could ever become that selfless.
How I can serve somebody else when I feel like I have a new shackle chaining me down every week. BUT, I know that I can. If I had something else I didn't have a choice but to do, I would manage no excuses.
I wonder how much charity I do have? I am going to spend a few days evaluating my feelings and see if my thoughts lend themselves to self-pity, or charity. Perhaps I will find something interesting. I'll let you know.

Friday, February 22, 2008

The Rising

Towards the end of 2007, November and December to be specific, I reached a point in my spiritual life that I had never reached. I had little or no desire to go to church. I didn't look forward to it as a refreshing, a getting together with fellow saints to encourage and lift one another either through word or sincere glances in passing. I was discouraged with the situation, as if I were two people, one looking at the other saying, "I can't believe that with all you know and all that you have felt, you are at this point." But it was true. My calling was not fulfilling and I struggled to feel love towards my cohorts. My heart seemed less lifted by the words in Sacrament meeting. How could I have been so lifted and strengthened in recent months only to fall to such a point? And then something started happening. At this time, I can't pinpoint the precise pivot but perhaps there were a few twists here and there that started me in a new direction. Was it the winter solstice? Who knows. But, the warmth is starting to come back into me.

I believe the source of the change in me is LOVE. Last week I was sitting at a baptism, seated next to a sister I serve with and I was surprised at how I felt. We chatted a bit and then sat and listened to the program. I was very aware of how close our shoulders were to each other. Remembering my recent struggles with my calling and feeling so disconnected with everything at church, I was surprised and happy. We were not merely individuals sitting in divided blocks but the love and warmth we had were emitting from us and meeting somewhere in between. Has she changed much? I don't think so. I have opened myself to her but, it didn't come automatically. But, the opening has really helped. I am still insecure and sensitive. I still worry too much about what people think. But, I know that I am in a laboratory. I have not figured out how to successfully entertain 40 primary children for a 30 minute time period. Here is my season in life to try to figure that out. I have not figured out how to successfully parent my children so that they can be confident of my love as well as the love that God has for them. Now is my season in life to try to figure that out too.

Paul speaks of love or charity, that it edifies,

Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, and have not charity, I am become as sounding brass, or a tinkling cymbal. And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries, and all knowledge; and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, and have not charity., I am nothing. 1 Corinthians 13: 1-2

Moroni also writes of charity, there is something "apocalyptically" spectacular and crucial of his comment about it,

...if ye have not charity, ye are nothing, for charity never faileth. Wherefore cleave unto charity, which is the greatest of all, for all things must fail--But charity is the pure love of Christ, and it endureth forever. Moroni 7:46-47

We don't have to endure forever on our own ability. I believe these words in Moroni 7 to mean that if we will get this pure love in our hearts, get it down deep where it can take root, IT will endure forever and push and pull us through life. IT will keep us from becoming as tinkling cymbals. IT will give us the strength to speak with the tongues of angels. If we will cleave unto this love which looks beyond differences, indifference, ignorance and ill-wishing, I believe and hope that IT WILL bring us through and to beautiful green pastures.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Role of Religion

I have been thinking a lot about the role that religion has played in each of our lives, in my life in particular. It has governed basically every action I have taken and whether I feel happiness or guilt from those actions. It has played a role in where I went to college, the clothes that I have worn, the thoughts that I think, the places I have lived—in a complete and utter way, it has been everything to me. I learned a long time ago not to place blame on God. I decided that was one of my lifelong goals. Another goal I set was not to get offended, or if I did, not to let that govern any actions of belief or activity. Thus, I have had a pretty good understanding of God in my life. I have not gotten too upset with people of my faith, or at least I haven’t let their actions taint my faith in any way. But now, more than any other time of my life, I simply want to take a break. I simply have a hard time even desiring to live my life the same way I have always lived it. I have no desire to endure to the end, to keep plugging away, to increase my faith somehow. I simply feel finished right now. I don’t feel I am being at all dramatic to say that this complete apathy for God and my covenants with him is the biggest crisis I have yet faced in my life. I’m scared. I feel like even if I do simply continue to live this way, that the beauty, serenity, peace, loveliness and promise it once held for me can never be found again.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Familiarity

I find it quite intriguing looking at the bonds that are formed between people put into situations outside of their comfort zone. My dance group friends, my freshman roommates, you guys are all forever relationships, the no matter what kind. Somehow as I've gotten older it seems more difficult. I don't know if it's my fault. Maybe I don't serve enough, or am too preoccupied with my children? Or is it that I've gotten so used to being in situations far outside my comfort zone that I don't look to find experiences with others? Have I just become accustomed to being lonely? Or am I just in a place where everyone has already formed life-long bonds, are close to family and are not outside of their comfort zones. Perhaps I cannot find an angle of repose in a land of very old hills. Give me your perspective. Thanks for being in touch. We have a familiarity because while we had different foundations, in France we built similar platforms that we can always come to and find friends.

Monday, February 18, 2008

Magic is in Me!

Dear Garden,

I am happy to be here. I have been reading "The Secret Garden" since December. Even as a slow reader, I could have finished it by now but, I have been savoring it. And in that savoring, I have been rediscovering parts of me that I have left neglected and I hope to tend to them more often. I was the lowest I believe I have ever been this December, and then an article in the newspaper's garden section caught my eye. The author of the article writes that Frances Hodgson Burnett lost a son, Lionel, in 1890. She was still grieving when she leased Great Maytham Hall, Rolvenden, Kent, in 1898. There was a garden and there was a robin. This was to be the most important place in her life where she spent 8 of the next 10 years. She wrote inside a brick-walled plot where she planted 300 roses! The robin lived there and later she noted that she learned to speak robin. After being unable to buy the home when the owner decided to sell, she moved to New York in 1908 but, her garden in England kept calling to her heart. She began to write and my favorite book on earth was born. Frances Hodgson Burnett found healing in her gardens. In her final article, "In the Garden", which was published after her death, Burnett closed with these words, "As long as you have a garden you have a future, and as long as you have a future you are alive." The newspaper article has become my bookmark and my travel companion through this beautiful and magical book that is helping to push and draw me above my own sorrow. I love you all and I look forward to our future in this beautiful garden.

Love, I.L.

The Beginning

Dear Garden,

As I was telling Tulip just this morning, I am so impressed by the fact that we have all remained in each other's lives. I really didn't think, after ten years, that this would be the case. Our paths have continued to cross, our time has continued to be shared, we have continued to learn and grow with one another, to share pain and joy, angst and sorrow, happiness and contentment. This is a site to explore all of those feelings and lessons more in depth together. So, let's begin, shall we?