Memory Post

I love your memory Wysteria! Thank you! Will you share how we can contribute to that spot without deleting yours? Is there a way that they can be archived like our posts?

Thanks for setting that up! I.L.

Ladies and Gentlemen

I met a young man the other day who comes from a family with several boys who, from my perspective, are true gentlemen. I never want to be a fly on the wall so much as when I see young men are character like this. I want to know what the other aspects of their life are like. I want to know how their parents have done this. The Wilson kids are so charismatic and congenial and much more. This young man took in another aspect of a cultured being in his refinement. His dad is Tongan and a sports announcer and his mother is Polynesian but I don't know much about her. I know that I lack the self-control and restraint of a true lady and I know there's more. There are some things that I don't necessarily want to change too.
I would like to know what your idea of what makes a person a lady or gentleman. What you think one would need to do to encourage that and also how much you value it.
I guess I think a bit of good ol' Mr. Darcy and his list but ...
Let me know.

I proclaim

I would love to have a little spot of earth to reminisce...any chance of that? I don't know enough about the blogging to envision it but, could there be a memory of the week on the side like Tulip has a photo of the week on her blog? Just curious. I just about fell of my chair remembering a memory the other day and I would love to fall off my seat some more.

Mucho amor, I.L.

Addition to your profile Ivy-lilac

Ivy-lilac. I'm really feeling as though 'friend' would be an important addition to your profile list.

Is it possible that this can all come together in one great truth?

I have a collection of things that I know in my head but that seem so far away from my grasp that I'm not sure if it matters that I know. Visually, it's like a tree in the distance (Trying to stay w/ (Ivy's garden analogies) that I'd like to get to but there's no path and too many obstacles...actually, it's even more obtuse than that (Hopefully I'm using that word correctly but I know Wysteria is fond of it), it's more like a tree in a dream that I know exists but where it is???

I believe is a truth is that the Lord instructs us to do things that to us make absolutely no sense in answering our prayers and hearts desires, but somehow lead us to them. Sometimes it's a matter of if you do it you will be blessed, and sometimes the Lord just sees fit to teach in a backwards way(like by making the life you thought was unbearable seem breezily simple by giving you a much larger obstacle to surmount). Other times the goal doesn't seem to be down that path but only because of short sightedness.
These experiences strengthen my faith. There are many things in the church that I just don't understand. But oft times I'm quite an Israelite at heart. I complain about the manna because I think it's rotten that I have to go through the wilderness. I don't often look at the brass serpent because it's too easy. I'd rather have fun dancing around the calf I was told not to build because it was awfully lonely with everybody just working hard.
Yes, just add that to my name, Yellow Israelite Tulip.

Lynne said once referring to Cathy Carter's troubled mind about not having any friends, "I just don't understand that. There are always people to be served and thus there are always friends"(paraphrased). So, that's certainly true, no? Why then are we all so lonely? Do you think that we in our own ways bring it upon ourselves? I was trying to think how to help you understand about being lonely without bringing my husband into it. No one person could meet all of my needs. So when I depend on one person and am disappointed it's an especially painful kind of lonely. Granted, there are lots and lots of needs that are met, but I just can't seem to balance it all out, YET. So basically, when I'm involved in my own SELF, I'm going to be lonely because all I'm thinking about is how I'm not getting everything that I need. But, when I'm feeling Charity as Ivy was saying, maybe I will find my needs met somehow. Giving what seems the impossible will be getting even more in return.
I believe that is a truth. I haven't figured out exactly how I can do it. I will tell you that I am selfish enough to wonder if I could ever become that selfless.
How I can serve somebody else when I feel like I have a new shackle chaining me down every week. BUT, I know that I can. If I had something else I didn't have a choice but to do, I would manage no excuses.
I wonder how much charity I do have? I am going to spend a few days evaluating my feelings and see if my thoughts lend themselves to self-pity, or charity. Perhaps I will find something interesting. I'll let you know.

The Rising

Towards the end of 2007, November and December to be specific, I reached a point in my spiritual life that I had never reached. I had little or no desire to go to church. I didn't look forward to it as a refreshing, a getting together with fellow saints to encourage and lift one another either through word or sincere glances in passing. I was discouraged with the situation, as if I were two people, one looking at the other saying, "I can't believe that with all you know and all that you have felt, you are at this point." But it was true. My calling was not fulfilling and I struggled to feel love towards my cohorts. My heart seemed less lifted by the words in Sacrament meeting. How could I have been so lifted and strengthened in recent months only to fall to such a point? And then something started happening. At this time, I can't pinpoint the precise pivot but perhaps there were a few twists here and there that started me in a new direction. Was it the winter solstice? Who knows. But, the warmth is starting to come back into me.

I believe the source of the change in me is LOVE. Last week I was sitting at a baptism, seated next to a sister I serve with and I was surprised at how I felt. We chatted a bit and then sat and listened to the program. I was very aware of how close our shoulders were to each other. Remembering my recent struggles with my calling and feeling so disconnected with everything at church, I was surprised and happy. We were not merely individuals sitting in divided blocks but the love and warmth we had were emitting from us and meeting somewhere in between. Has she changed much? I don't think so. I have opened myself to her but, it didn't come automatically. But, the opening has really helped. I am still insecure and sensitive. I still worry too much about what people think. But, I know that I am in a laboratory. I have not figured out how to successfully entertain 40 primary children for a 30 minute time period. Here is my season in life to try to figure that out. I have not figured out how to successfully parent my children so that they can be confident of my love as well as the love that God has for them. Now is my season in life to try to figure that out too.

Paul speaks of love or charity, that it edifies,

Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, and have not charity, I am become as sounding brass, or a tinkling cymbal. And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries, and all knowledge; and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, and have not charity., I am nothing. 1 Corinthians 13: 1-2

Moroni also writes of charity, there is something "apocalyptically" spectacular and crucial of his comment about it,

...if ye have not charity, ye are nothing, for charity never faileth. Wherefore cleave unto charity, which is the greatest of all, for all things must fail--But charity is the pure love of Christ, and it endureth forever. Moroni 7:46-47

We don't have to endure forever on our own ability. I believe these words in Moroni 7 to mean that if we will get this pure love in our hearts, get it down deep where it can take root, IT will endure forever and push and pull us through life. IT will keep us from becoming as tinkling cymbals. IT will give us the strength to speak with the tongues of angels. If we will cleave unto this love which looks beyond differences, indifference, ignorance and ill-wishing, I believe and hope that IT WILL bring us through and to beautiful green pastures.

Role of Religion

I have been thinking a lot about the role that religion has played in each of our lives, in my life in particular. It has governed basically every action I have taken and whether I feel happiness or guilt from those actions. It has played a role in where I went to college, the clothes that I have worn, the thoughts that I think, the places I have lived—in a complete and utter way, it has been everything to me. I learned a long time ago not to place blame on God. I decided that was one of my lifelong goals. Another goal I set was not to get offended, or if I did, not to let that govern any actions of belief or activity. Thus, I have had a pretty good understanding of God in my life. I have not gotten too upset with people of my faith, or at least I haven’t let their actions taint my faith in any way. But now, more than any other time of my life, I simply want to take a break. I simply have a hard time even desiring to live my life the same way I have always lived it. I have no desire to endure to the end, to keep plugging away, to increase my faith somehow. I simply feel finished right now. I don’t feel I am being at all dramatic to say that this complete apathy for God and my covenants with him is the biggest crisis I have yet faced in my life. I’m scared. I feel like even if I do simply continue to live this way, that the beauty, serenity, peace, loveliness and promise it once held for me can never be found again.

Familiarity

I find it quite intriguing looking at the bonds that are formed between people put into situations outside of their comfort zone. My dance group friends, my freshman roommates, you guys are all forever relationships, the no matter what kind. Somehow as I've gotten older it seems more difficult. I don't know if it's my fault. Maybe I don't serve enough, or am too preoccupied with my children? Or is it that I've gotten so used to being in situations far outside my comfort zone that I don't look to find experiences with others? Have I just become accustomed to being lonely? Or am I just in a place where everyone has already formed life-long bonds, are close to family and are not outside of their comfort zones. Perhaps I cannot find an angle of repose in a land of very old hills. Give me your perspective. Thanks for being in touch. We have a familiarity because while we had different foundations, in France we built similar platforms that we can always come to and find friends.

Magic is in Me!

Dear Garden,

I am happy to be here. I have been reading "The Secret Garden" since December. Even as a slow reader, I could have finished it by now but, I have been savoring it. And in that savoring, I have been rediscovering parts of me that I have left neglected and I hope to tend to them more often. I was the lowest I believe I have ever been this December, and then an article in the newspaper's garden section caught my eye. The author of the article writes that Frances Hodgson Burnett lost a son, Lionel, in 1890. She was still grieving when she leased Great Maytham Hall, Rolvenden, Kent, in 1898. There was a garden and there was a robin. This was to be the most important place in her life where she spent 8 of the next 10 years. She wrote inside a brick-walled plot where she planted 300 roses! The robin lived there and later she noted that she learned to speak robin. After being unable to buy the home when the owner decided to sell, she moved to New York in 1908 but, her garden in England kept calling to her heart. She began to write and my favorite book on earth was born. Frances Hodgson Burnett found healing in her gardens. In her final article, "In the Garden", which was published after her death, Burnett closed with these words, "As long as you have a garden you have a future, and as long as you have a future you are alive." The newspaper article has become my bookmark and my travel companion through this beautiful and magical book that is helping to push and draw me above my own sorrow. I love you all and I look forward to our future in this beautiful garden.

Love, I.L.

The Beginning

Dear Garden,

As I was telling Tulip just this morning, I am so impressed by the fact that we have all remained in each other's lives. I really didn't think, after ten years, that this would be the case. Our paths have continued to cross, our time has continued to be shared, we have continued to learn and grow with one another, to share pain and joy, angst and sorrow, happiness and contentment. This is a site to explore all of those feelings and lessons more in depth together. So, let's begin, shall we?