Thursday, February 21, 2008
Role of Religion
I have been thinking a lot about the role that religion has played in each of our lives, in my life in particular. It has governed basically every action I have taken and whether I feel happiness or guilt from those actions. It has played a role in where I went to college, the clothes that I have worn, the thoughts that I think, the places I have lived—in a complete and utter way, it has been everything to me. I learned a long time ago not to place blame on God. I decided that was one of my lifelong goals. Another goal I set was not to get offended, or if I did, not to let that govern any actions of belief or activity. Thus, I have had a pretty good understanding of God in my life. I have not gotten too upset with people of my faith, or at least I haven’t let their actions taint my faith in any way. But now, more than any other time of my life, I simply want to take a break. I simply have a hard time even desiring to live my life the same way I have always lived it. I have no desire to endure to the end, to keep plugging away, to increase my faith somehow. I simply feel finished right now. I don’t feel I am being at all dramatic to say that this complete apathy for God and my covenants with him is the biggest crisis I have yet faced in my life. I’m scared. I feel like even if I do simply continue to live this way, that the beauty, serenity, peace, loveliness and promise it once held for me can never be found again.
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3 comments:
You know something that has helped give me more perspective is thinking backwards. For instance, I cannot conceptualize all the ins and outs of religion, it's effects etc. I just don't have a lot of answers. I'm not sure I'll ever get them and I certainly don't like the idea of wasting years of my life suffering until I do find answers. So, I go backwards. Without religion at all what would happen to the world. Without the LDS religion what would happen. What would happen if everyone stopped going to church, didn't pay their tithing etc.
Since I have kids I have an easier time with the impact of my own decisions. Sometimes I'm willing to hang myself but I just couldn't imagine doing it to them. Just think though, we're all somebody else's children, Heavenly Father's. So, I wouldn't want to raise my kids in this world without the gospel. I want them to love the scriptures and find the blessings of service. I want them to be leaders and the church has great programs to do that. I want my boys to have the faith to give blessings to heal their family-the church has this. I want my boys to respect their wives, to treasure chastity, to keep passions within bounds the Lord has set. All of that is important to me and the church teaches that. There are so man things, I could go on and on but I think you get the idea. When I'm in doubt, and need to reason with myself this is what give me perpective.
Thanks Tulip. I completely agree with that. And while I think our testmonies change and maybe become less simple through the years, I know that much of my core beliefs are still the same, and thus I am not going to let it go.
You both know that my best friend recently left the church. At first I didn't think this would effect me too much, but, obviously, if the closest person in your life completely change the way they are living makes it very very hard. Especially when you were already having doubts yourself. So, I look at her new life and she seems so carefree, and she can do all these things and she is dating like crazy now that she doesn't limit it so LDS men, and etc. It would be a lie if I said that it didn't seem appealing.
However, I have tried on two occasions to get her to define for me what she really believes now. And granted, maybe she hasn't given it enough time, but it's been over a year that she has slowly been deciding to leave the church. So, I would think that in that year, if I were going to give up my religion, I would need to come to some other type of belief system (or, I guess, non-belief--like agnostics). Yet, she can't do this. She still believes in God, but not in organized religion, not in the Book of Mormon, not in the bible, not in all these things. It's easy for her to say what she doesn't believe in, but she hasn't been able to say what she DOES believe in.
This flusters me and I think, how could you give it all up when you don't have anything good to replace it? How can you convince yourself in a God who DOESN'T want his children to know why they are here. To go from a life of knowing why we are here, where we came from, where we are going, to a life where all that is hazy and/or obsolete completely baffles me. So, I keep saying, my questions are ok if I keep going to the right sources to try and figure them out, and if I understand that questions and answers can take a long long time. I also keep thinking, if this insitution brings about people and leaders like Pres. Hinckley and the apostles and teaches the core beliefs that it teaches, then it's what I want to be a part of.
I keep going back to my mission on this one, I was exposed to SO many churches, more than I would have been going to England or Europe or even South America. This little bible belt of ours gave me a chance to learn core doctrines of many different sects and many different value systems. And I could see them for what they lacked. I could see the good in them too, mind you, but they always had these gaping, inexplicable holes, and the members couldn't fill those holes.
I don't feel that way with our church. I feel the main holes are all filled, and yes, while questions arise, or attitude is not what it should be, the core beliefs and explanations are there.
You know what I it gets filled with, fun, living for the moment, relief from guilt. None of it lasts forever. You know, it's funny to me that when I start questioning the church I back myself all the way out of the existence of God. I can't really do it. You know when you get that far and you start wondering about this and that I can actually see how people can latch onto beliefs as far out as Aliens controlling everything. Woah!
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