Towards the end of 2007, November and December to be specific, I reached a point in my spiritual life that I had never reached. I had little or no desire to go to church. I didn't look forward to it as a refreshing, a getting together with fellow saints to encourage and lift one another either through word or sincere glances in passing. I was discouraged with the situation, as if I were two people, one looking at the other saying, "I can't believe that with all you know and all that you have felt, you are at this point." But it was true. My calling was not fulfilling and I struggled to feel love towards my cohorts. My heart seemed less lifted by the words in Sacrament meeting. How could I have been so lifted and strengthened in recent months only to fall to such a point? And then something started happening. At this time, I can't pinpoint the precise pivot but perhaps there were a few twists here and there that started me in a new direction. Was it the winter solstice? Who knows. But, the warmth is starting to come back into me.
I believe the source of the change in me is LOVE. Last week I was sitting at a baptism, seated next to a sister I serve with and I was surprised at how I felt. We chatted a bit and then sat and listened to the program. I was very aware of how close our shoulders were to each other. Remembering my recent struggles with my calling and feeling so disconnected with everything at church, I was surprised and happy. We were not merely individuals sitting in divided blocks but the love and warmth we had were emitting from us and meeting somewhere in between. Has she changed much? I don't think so. I have opened myself to her but, it didn't come automatically. But, the opening has really helped. I am still insecure and sensitive. I still worry too much about what people think. But, I know that I am in a laboratory. I have not figured out how to successfully entertain 40 primary children for a 30 minute time period. Here is my season in life to try to figure that out. I have not figured out how to successfully parent my children so that they can be confident of my love as well as the love that God has for them. Now is my season in life to try to figure that out too.
Paul speaks of love or charity, that it edifies,
Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, and have not charity, I am become as sounding brass, or a tinkling cymbal. And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries, and all knowledge; and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, and have not charity., I am nothing. 1 Corinthians 13: 1-2
Moroni also writes of charity, there is something "apocalyptically" spectacular and crucial of his comment about it,
...if ye have not charity, ye are nothing, for charity never faileth. Wherefore cleave unto charity, which is the greatest of all, for all things must fail--But charity is the pure love of Christ, and it endureth forever. Moroni 7:46-47
We don't have to endure forever on our own ability. I believe these words in Moroni 7 to mean that if we will get this pure love in our hearts, get it down deep where it can take root, IT will endure forever and push and pull us through life. IT will keep us from becoming as tinkling cymbals. IT will give us the strength to speak with the tongues of angels. If we will cleave unto this love which looks beyond differences, indifference, ignorance and ill-wishing, I believe and hope that IT WILL bring us through and to beautiful green pastures.
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Yellow Tulip, Ivy-Lilac, Sunflower, and Wysteria
Memory of the Moment
So...a bit of the first Sunday like pause there, I'll go ahead and share a Christmas memory. PLEASE feel free to replace mine anytime...
I loved the Christmas markets! I drive often on one particular road here in town where one business is building these tiny little cabins that are about 8 ft by 6 ft. Each time I pass them, I am reminded of the little wooden Christmas cabins that sold Gauffres with powdered sugar or nutella and Santons. Two I remember were in St. Germain-En-Laye and at La Defense. I can picture walking through the marche' and it was lightly snowing, lights were glittering from the little cabins. My girls now "carefully play" with the Santons I brought home. Joyeux Noel ladies...
I loved the Christmas markets! I drive often on one particular road here in town where one business is building these tiny little cabins that are about 8 ft by 6 ft. Each time I pass them, I am reminded of the little wooden Christmas cabins that sold Gauffres with powdered sugar or nutella and Santons. Two I remember were in St. Germain-En-Laye and at La Defense. I can picture walking through the marche' and it was lightly snowing, lights were glittering from the little cabins. My girls now "carefully play" with the Santons I brought home. Joyeux Noel ladies...
Contributors
Yellow Tulip
A mom following the ebb of the tide, dipping my feet into art, music, history, writing, cooking, teaching, composing, running, traveling, collecting moments and much more.
Ivy-Lilac
I am a wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend and Israelite.
Sunflower
A mother of three, a simultaneous student and teacher, a sister, a friend, and most of all a daughter of God. Appreciative of the connections and relationships I have, seeking to improve each of them daily.
Wysteria
Single, Feminist, Altruist, Perpetual Student and Teacher, Writer, Photographer, Artist, and World Traveler. Trying to unite my cultures with others--and finding my place in this world as a Daughter of God.
2 comments:
Sometimes the word 'Charity', like the word 'Atonement', seems so big, or so cliche or so....something that we don't concentrate on it like we should. I know I haven't. I haven't really thought lately about how I can have more charity to others. My heart has been hard, I haven't been malleable like I have been in the past, I have been full of a lot of things, but Charity isn't one of them.
So, this is a good reminder, this is a good time to take a hammer to my heart and break that hard outer rock that is covering the soft core I know is in there. I've been slowly letting my thoughts, my intelligence, my own wisdom decide what is right for my life instead of God's wisdom. To be learned is good if you harken to the words of God.
I think I used to believe that Charity was the easiest of the three. Faith seemed harder, hope too, sometimes because they all involved me. But Charity involved my actions with others, and that has always come easily. Loving, serving, remembering, being kind...these seemed easy at one time, but I guess I have been so selfish these past few years that I tend to concentrate a lot more on myself than is healthy.
Thanks for the reminder, I think setting tangible goals for my week of "How to be more charitable" is exactly what I need to be doing. And it's true, cultivating that automatically leads to faith and hope, I can see that!
How appropriate that it was love, or charity, that began to turn you, as to me, that is what you are, a person capable and full of tremendous amounts of love. Perhaps the Lord was using one of your greatest gifts as an instrument to help you understand and turn.
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