Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Familiarity
I find it quite intriguing looking at the bonds that are formed between people put into situations outside of their comfort zone. My dance group friends, my freshman roommates, you guys are all forever relationships, the no matter what kind. Somehow as I've gotten older it seems more difficult. I don't know if it's my fault. Maybe I don't serve enough, or am too preoccupied with my children? Or is it that I've gotten so used to being in situations far outside my comfort zone that I don't look to find experiences with others? Have I just become accustomed to being lonely? Or am I just in a place where everyone has already formed life-long bonds, are close to family and are not outside of their comfort zones. Perhaps I cannot find an angle of repose in a land of very old hills. Give me your perspective. Thanks for being in touch. We have a familiarity because while we had different foundations, in France we built similar platforms that we can always come to and find friends.
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I can't tell you how much I have thought about this. It seems that I have had severe bouts of loneliness as my friends all marry and have children and I see them sharing with this new spouse who is their everything to them. While they seem to continue forming these deep bonds with their own children, creating their own families, doing what I have always been taught was what I am supposed to be doing, it seems that, as the apostle once said (I can't remember which one right now...) "Loneliness is the human condition." I've defintely felt that. I've definitely tire of climbing into bed every night alone. I definitely have held back tears as one after another of my dearest friends have married, have had babies, have told me their stories about their children and their families, or are too busy to talk or to get together or to really relate to me.
I've tried to form some replacement bonds since, and I haven't really been successful. People who I shared major experiences with are the ones I keep coming back to. I think I have tried to be my own best friend a lot. I also made a very conscious decision to fill my life with learning about all of God's children, instead of just the ones I might have had, (or might still yet!) The places I have been blessed to see, the people I have had conversations with, the lands I have lived in, the food I have tasted, the sunsets I have seen around the world, and the love I have felt that God has for all people, and that he loves me so much to give me the chance to learn about this world in a such a hands on way has definitely been a consolation to me.
But, I always love coming home again to the place where I am not some foreigner, but I am home.
You know Wysteria, I'm not surprised to hear you say this because the more I think that i feel a certain way because of my lifestyle (I'm never quite sure what to blame it on but one of the many choices-homeschooling, different ideas of entertainment that I have from most others etc) the more I find out that somebody, like yourself, who is living how I often long to, ends up at the very same place. Perhaps it is just another of the tools to lure us away from the path we're on, the season we're in. Just telling us the grass is greener, making us dissatisfied with where the Lord wants us to be at this time in our lives. I tell myself things like "I just don't have the personality to be a SAHM". I'm learning that it's all a lot of "hog wash" just whisperings in the ear by deal ol' wormwood. When you get into bed tonight just think to yourself as the pangs of longing creep over you "Tulip says this is hogwash!!!!" (Not trying to make light of your solitude, just making you laugh I hope)
Tulip, I did say it last night right as I was falling asleep, and it did bring a little smile to my face. But your thoughts continue to stick with me today. Have we just become acustomed to being lonely? I am trying to imagine how your loneliness and my loneliness are similar. Mine is probably very quiet, why I imagine yours being a louder type of loneliness. What are you searching for, those bonds with new people? Do you feel happy enough to just strengthen those bonds with old friends, or are new ones your desire?
Wow. I remember Kjrstin talking about "core issues," meaning that we have a lot of issues but down deep they connect like streams and rivlets into a bigger river. This loneliness that you write of is a core issue. I struggle with it too, more in a loud way than quietly. But, even then, there are moments of quiet loneliness as well. I love the song "My shepherd will supply my need", it is one of Angela's songs. Check out the lyrics as well as the piece itself.
In my dream garden, I imagine the well established trees and vines with their age and strength are complimented by the little crocuses that grow at my feet, the tiny shoots of green sticking out from the soil. Without the two types, young and old, would something be missing?
I love you both.
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