I have been thinking a lot about my physical imperfections. It seems my whole life has been plagued by extra weight. I think it started with being young, having parents who worked and raised us on fast food. I think it started with being lonely and feeling very neglected as a child because my family definitely didn't fit the LDS standards and it was tough not having my parents raise me. I ate to feed the void. I ate to feed many voids. I also realized, at a young age that I didn't like the attention of guys because of some things that had happened to me in my childhood. I realized that the best way to hide my beauty and to not get that attention (something I still struggle with honestly) was to create a pillow around who I really was. And I did, and it has worked, I have been able to stay out of a lot of relationships because of this.
There are a lot of reasons why I am overweight, yet I have never, not once, openly addressed them. I figure that friends and family should accept me for who I am. And for the most part I do think they do, but there have been many times with friends, families, strangers, and children where I feel that there is something very, very , very wrong with me. There have been many times when looks and judgements from others really, really hurt. There have been many times when parents and siblings and friends have said hurtful things about the way I look. It's been a tough road to walk.
I was skinny once, from about 14-16 I developed an eating disorder. If I could write a book about the transformation that came over people about me!!! My young women leaders praised my beauty and held it up as an example, my parents, my friends they all told me daily about how beautiful I was!!! This idea of physical beauty became an obsession for me. Boys started asking me out in High School and making comments and paying attention to me and wanting to be with me. This experience, first of all, made me hungry. I lost my hair, I messed up my thyroid, I wore away lots of enamel on my teeth, I became a compulsive exerciser and I basically changed one addiction for another. But, more than anything, the eating disorder made me very, very dark. I felt dark and alone and I felt like I didn't deserve to be with any man because I just wasn't a good person. These thoughts were strong all throughout France and the time you guys got to know me, but again, I am very good at acting like I don't care, so I think many people actually do think that I don't care about what I look like, when it's all I have focused on for a long time.
For the first time in my life I am finally starting to feel ok in who I am. This has taken me 30 years. I am actually ok that I am not a size 6. For the first time I am trying to look at myself and see someone healthy. Losing weight isn't my goal right now, it's getting healthy. Because to stay overweight, as neither of you would know, takes a lot of work. You have to eat a lot. You have to be a bit out of control and you have to give into your sugar addictions and other type of compulsions. It truly is a hard place to be. Frankly, I'm tired of being here, but I am also tired of not liking who I am. So, there's the catch 22. That's why my exercising can't just be about getting skinny, because that's what it's always been about and as soon as I lose any weight I get scared of the attention and I put it right back on.
The thing is, I think we all have addictions like this, I just don't think that all others are as obvious. What do you think? Do you girls struggle with something addicting? I was always upset that caffeine addicts, smokers, pornographers, gossipers, and other addicts never had a huge Scarlet Letter so to speak marking their addictions. When the addiction is food, it's obvious and people are hurtful.
I always felt like I missed out on so much in life from being overweight, but it was truly my thoughts putting my limitations on myself. Also, I believe the Lord has taught me so much about empathy and caring and openness and acceptance. I truly don't judge people on their appearance. This is a major feat in American in these days I think. Thirty years of being judged on my appearance or feeling bad about who I am has taught me a lot in dealing with others, loving others, being patient.
Anyway, these are my thoughts this morning, no one has posted for awhile, and I was worried that with my current struggles that you all might not think I want to blog. But I do. This blog is a really good thing for me!
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6 comments:
Wow D'Arcy.
That post is heavy-no kidding. There's so much in there that I'm overwhelmed and don't know where to start. I've been thinking about your question about addiction. I'm sure that most peopole have at least one very big challenge for themself. I don't know that if we could see each challenge individually we would say "oh, that's his big challenge". Sometimes I'm sure we'd say "oh, that's not a big challenge". But yet, to each his own.
There is some part of us that must be happy with the person we are, the person that the Lord made us. This stands true physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally, socially etc etc. But yet we all know that we want to improve. Gaining self-control over our passions is what I've begun to think might be a better name for overcoming addiction. I believe that the Lord gave us great things-food, physical affection, power, comforts etc. Keeping them in balance seems to be part of life here on earth. Interesting note-media many outside influences seem to encourage indulging ourselves in whichever of these "funs" we'd like. The Lord always encourages us to bridle them. All evil in this world is caused by people who have unbridled their passions in some degree or other. True unhappiness.
I believe that happieness and true growth potential result from obedience in bridling our passions. Not only that but my personal experience tells me that our ability to do this in something seemingly small to me-sticking with a goal I've made or reading my scriptures everyday-then the bigger struggles, patience (remember, to each his own), are given to me more easily.
Well, that's a lot to say! I'll post this and perhaps try to comment on another portion of your enormous statement. You were so open. It seems like you're ready to split every part of your life wide open.
I echo the Wow.
Have you ever heard of harmonic oscillation? If I remember right, it's basiclly when something reaches a point where it makes makes a tone. Like when you blow air a certain way into a bottle and a tune comes out. I think that happiness can be found as we each seek for our own harmonic oscillation, the point where we love ourselves as the Lord loves us. Wysteria, just like you wrote of the various seeds...
I know! I am ready to split my life open, but it is because I feel like keeping things buried deep inside of me has caused me to feel lonely and afriad and uncertain of things I used to be certain of.
I know you both know I am struggling with the church right now, specific doctrines on women, specific things that go on in the church, the culture, the acceptance level, the judgements, and many other things I am sure go on in all religions and that people have to continually realign themselves with. The fact that I have told myself I don't have to go to church if I don't want to has made the going much more significant for me because I choose it instead of being conditioned to do it.
So, I did go yesterday. I sat in the back, planning only on staying for sacrament because I really wanted to renew my covenants. I sat next to a girl who knew me. I didn't remember her, but we had worked together years ago. She was there for her first time, her first time in a singles ward. She got married at barely 20 and then 8 months ago her husband woke up and told her he never loved her and he wanted a divorce. This shocked me to the core. She is having issues too, with many things, but mostly with the fact that she did everything she was taught to do, but she was never taught what to do when it all turns out to be a complete facade. She is struggling, yet she came to church. That was admirable, and together, we had a really enjoyable three hours. It was good to feel that, to talk real, and to be open.
So yes, I am being really open. I never was this way because I felt I had to be perfect. But I think that as an LDS person I have misunderstood this doctrine of perfection and have used it for ill in my life. Now I am trying to acknowledge my struggles and imperfections openly and it feels good.
So, I haven't had time to read your post over again and comment on any more of the points that you made but I wanted to make this comment b/c I keep thinking about it.
I have never thought that you didn't care about the way you look. You dress the part, you do your hair and make-up stylishly. You know what's up in fashion and for YOUR body you look fantastic. I wish I could say the same about myself! My friend Laura came to visit me recently. She looked SO GOOD. She's vegan and skinnier and healthier than she ever was in college. She's adopted her mom's lifestyle healthwise(her mom that I blogged about in my stecherbush blog-Giants) and she's got the hair and clothes thing down to boot. Seriously I was amazed and shocked and had to pinch myself to get out of my "poor me, I'm a frumpy mommy!" complex so she wouldn't turn around and come home.
I haven't had a hair cut in a YEAR! THis is aweful. I have ugly feet and horrible teeth. I am fairly thin but a little flabby due to my non-excercizing self AGAIN.
You know, a lot of this is comparison.
Would you have been happier if everybody was your size? Would I be happier if everybody looked like me?
I was happier before I saw Laura that's for sure.
Now? MMMMMMMmmmmm, do I want to spend the money? Maybe I do, and maybe I don't.
"Who told thou that thou wadst naked?"
So, yes, and I no. I'm not happy about it b/c I'm not doing my best. I eat junk when I really want to get off sugar. I don't excercise b/c I'm having trouble not being depressed in the mornnig. That is going to drag me down no matter what Laura looked like. BUT if she hadn't had that gorgeous hair-cut and I didn't have so many grey ones . . .
So many thoughts, where to begin? First of all, in a very few aspects, I relate to the whole weight and appearance thing. I've always been up and down with my weight. But, being pregnant for like three years solid really took a toll on my poor body. Losing ninety pounds has not been an easy road. And, yes I've heard all the hurtful comments and even the looks from family, friends and strangers. People even expressed their disappointment in me for having put on weight! Perhaps if it hadn't been for a husband who held me at night and told me how beautiful I was to him, things would have been different. But, coming to grips with my ever changing appearance has made me both aware of my own addictions, struggles and what nots, and has taught me some things. One, I am who I am. However, to a certain extent I'm accountable for who I am. In a way, this is what I.L was talking about. When I reach those points when my imperfections, irritating weaknesses, and all such crap is somehow in harmony with my willingness to accept them and do what I can to improve, I'm in harmony. Of course, it always takes more humility than I can muster when like Amber I come up against someone or something that epitomizes what I am not, or have not been able to yet achieve. Still, for me I've discovered that all of that is a part of the ever moving path I'm on to improve some parts of myself, and accept the others.
D'arcy, you continue to impress me in so many ways. I suppose you can't always see the influence you have in someone else's life, but you have and continue have an influence in my life for good. I don't intend to make light of any of this, but some of your imperfections are the things I adore about you. And although I can't step into your shoes, I can say that I some ways I stand in a similar place. I empathize, I relate, and I understand.
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