All My Imperfections

I have been thinking a lot about my physical imperfections. It seems my whole life has been plagued by extra weight. I think it started with being young, having parents who worked and raised us on fast food. I think it started with being lonely and feeling very neglected as a child because my family definitely didn't fit the LDS standards and it was tough not having my parents raise me. I ate to feed the void. I ate to feed many voids. I also realized, at a young age that I didn't like the attention of guys because of some things that had happened to me in my childhood. I realized that the best way to hide my beauty and to not get that attention (something I still struggle with honestly) was to create a pillow around who I really was. And I did, and it has worked, I have been able to stay out of a lot of relationships because of this.

There are a lot of reasons why I am overweight, yet I have never, not once, openly addressed them. I figure that friends and family should accept me for who I am. And for the most part I do think they do, but there have been many times with friends, families, strangers, and children where I feel that there is something very, very , very wrong with me. There have been many times when looks and judgements from others really, really hurt. There have been many times when parents and siblings and friends have said hurtful things about the way I look. It's been a tough road to walk.

I was skinny once, from about 14-16 I developed an eating disorder. If I could write a book about the transformation that came over people about me!!! My young women leaders praised my beauty and held it up as an example, my parents, my friends they all told me daily about how beautiful I was!!! This idea of physical beauty became an obsession for me. Boys started asking me out in High School and making comments and paying attention to me and wanting to be with me. This experience, first of all, made me hungry. I lost my hair, I messed up my thyroid, I wore away lots of enamel on my teeth, I became a compulsive exerciser and I basically changed one addiction for another. But, more than anything, the eating disorder made me very, very dark. I felt dark and alone and I felt like I didn't deserve to be with any man because I just wasn't a good person. These thoughts were strong all throughout France and the time you guys got to know me, but again, I am very good at acting like I don't care, so I think many people actually do think that I don't care about what I look like, when it's all I have focused on for a long time.

For the first time in my life I am finally starting to feel ok in who I am. This has taken me 30 years. I am actually ok that I am not a size 6. For the first time I am trying to look at myself and see someone healthy. Losing weight isn't my goal right now, it's getting healthy. Because to stay overweight, as neither of you would know, takes a lot of work. You have to eat a lot. You have to be a bit out of control and you have to give into your sugar addictions and other type of compulsions. It truly is a hard place to be. Frankly, I'm tired of being here, but I am also tired of not liking who I am. So, there's the catch 22. That's why my exercising can't just be about getting skinny, because that's what it's always been about and as soon as I lose any weight I get scared of the attention and I put it right back on.

The thing is, I think we all have addictions like this, I just don't think that all others are as obvious. What do you think? Do you girls struggle with something addicting? I was always upset that caffeine addicts, smokers, pornographers, gossipers, and other addicts never had a huge Scarlet Letter so to speak marking their addictions. When the addiction is food, it's obvious and people are hurtful.

I always felt like I missed out on so much in life from being overweight, but it was truly my thoughts putting my limitations on myself. Also, I believe the Lord has taught me so much about empathy and caring and openness and acceptance. I truly don't judge people on their appearance. This is a major feat in American in these days I think. Thirty years of being judged on my appearance or feeling bad about who I am has taught me a lot in dealing with others, loving others, being patient.

Anyway, these are my thoughts this morning, no one has posted for awhile, and I was worried that with my current struggles that you all might not think I want to blog. But I do. This blog is a really good thing for me!